Apr 17, 20203 min read

Imagining you, Imagining me...

I spend many nights imagining you, imagining me. Is it vain to know what you are wondering when you wonder about me? Is it self-absorbed to think about what do you think about when you think about me? Is it narcissism to realize that looking into your mind is like looking into mine And all I want is to keep staring into that mirror where you and I are reflected in each other. I’ve spent many nights with my eyes open glued to the darkness of my bedroom ceiling. My scenarios play out like a thin layer of the film under my eyelashes foggy with daydreams and seeping into night jeans. And I dream a little about you and I dream a little about me and my dream morph us together. I spend many nights composing these self-conscious love forms but self-conscious hasn’t conscious of the self. Self-conscious doesn’t like you and me being yourself; self-conscious love bones of yourself for myself in ourselves. I spend many nights fumbling with these fantasies which I tried to construct through word documents and WhatsApp conversation of you and me. Am I vain?? or am I just completely selfless?? Because I have dedicated all my time to construct versions of you. I am wooing you in my head. I am seducing you in secret I am pushing you down the stairs and the privacy of my imagination just so that I can watch you fall for me and I’m beginning to think like that. Okay, maybe I am selfish. There are breaks in our eye contacts because you are watching the road but God, I wish you could be like me. I am here constantly just waiting with a stupid eager smile in my eyes with the stupid eager Hi! in my voice as I answer the phone on the first ring when you call. I know that in reality sometimes you are going to be busy but I spend many nights pretending that you are not. I am never gonna let you know that in my head I never let you go. I'm holding on to memories of you holding me. I’m holding you hostage as you are roaming free. But I swear I am not a lunatic I am not crazy. I just don’t like sleeping alone. I spend many nights pretending that you are with me at home even though you’re lying on your bed and me on mine. Sometimes, I pretend that our beds are combined. And I spend many nights with my headphones on. When I play the sound of your heartbeat knocking against your chest; knocking against my ear on repeat as your breath hums through your entire body and the rhythm of your lungs allows me to sleep and I have my favorite kind of nights of so many nights I spend. It's when the sun’s rolling outside and the night has yet to begin then all the walls of my fantasies slowly collapse and my daydreams, they evaporate in the heat of the light. It's when I am sitting beside you and you beside me and you're watching me watching you watching me and I smile at that smile that you are smiling for me and then I know I am not full of narcissism and concede. I just love you a lot!