In 2017, someone very close to my heart passed and it was kind of weird because I was feeling nothing while everyone else was mourning. I was just going through a bizarre flashback of memories in my head. It was like a flash grenade goes off in call of duty and everything gets blurry and high pitched and you can see and hear everything around you but you can’t quite connect with it.
For months, I was questioning myself again and again whether or not we were as close enough as I thought because I didn’t feel the way I thought I would've felt. I spent years hearing that everyone grieves differently and here I was resting alone in my room for days feeling guilty about not grieving at all. There was no sadness, mostly emptiness. Mostly it felt like convincing myself to feel what I thought would have come naturally.
But what scared me off a little is that I seem to distance myself from the people I care about most. It was more than just physical distancing. I mentally dissociated and became emotionally unavailable. It was not a conscious decision. It was more of a subconscious decision, subconsciously, I built a wall between me and the people I care most about because deep down I was afraid I'd lose them also. So, I didn’t speak to anyone for weeks. I didn’t call my family as much as I should. And the worst part of all this was I didn’t know how to stop all this. I am not the one who’s consciously doing this, I am not sure how to unwork it.
The best way I've found so far is to unpack all these traumas that I have been living in for years and understand them; so that maybe I can make peace instead of just existing in them.
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